Financial Abuse - Stan's Story

Stan Mathews is a 48-year-old teacher. He lived with his partner Joyce for 15 years and they have three boys aged 12, 10, and 7. Although Stan is quite well paid, the two of them have always had disputes over money, with Joyce constantly accusing him of spending too much on the house and garden, and not giving her enough for housekeeping. Although she works 4 hours per week for a charity organisation, she has generally not contributed income to the family.

In 1995 their arguments over money began to get serious, putting a considerable strain on the relationship. No matter how hard Stan worked it seemed as though he just couldn't make the grade as a good provider. Depressed, he went to see a psychologist. After that, things seemed to come right, and hoping to re-kindle their relationship they married in mid 1996.

But early in 1997 Joyce attended a male psychologist on her own, because she said she was feeling constrained by their relationship and her housewife role. Later, in a joint session with the psychologist, Stan was encouraged to express his pent-up anger. When he did so, they were told that he needed to go back to his original therapist and that Joyce should to go to the Family Court. The court offered the couple were six free marriage guidance sessions of up to 2 hours each, but after only four Stan and Joyce came to an amiable agreement that he would make more time available to facilitate her doing own thing. She immediately spent over $1000 on trip to Australia.

Stan also voluntarily attended Anger Management for men at Friendship House, Manukau at the cost of $100 for 10 weeks. He told me many men were unhappy about the material presented in the course, and the group of 35 was down to only 15 at the end.

Their relationship seemed to be OK for a while, until Stan said he wanted to attend a 5-day Buddhist retreat in Coromandel at the cost of approximately $400. This precipitated a big drama about money. The two of them went back to counsellor for the sixth session and it became obvious that Joyce wanted to clip his wings - she particularly hated his involvement in personal growth. She then divulged that she had a secret bank account since the beginning of their relationship and has been paying money into a superannuation scheme. She would not tell him how much money she has. Stan realised that their relationship was doomed if Joyce continued her dishonesty.

Stan went to see the female lawyer from a large law firm who was involved in his Anger Management course. She advised him to split immediately, before the marriage is two years old, so that he would get 100% of the house. She also suggested that if the wife has no home or income he would probably win custody, which might cost him $4 - 6,000.

I advised him of statistical unlikelihood of him winning disputed custody, and pointed out that Joyce would almost certainly battle to get the kids so she would be eligible for the DPB. I told him that it is common for men to spend $30 - 40,000 on drawn out custody battles, and suggested that he stay away from Family Court if possible. While it is certainly in the lawyer's interest to create as bigger fight as possible, I advised Stan to consider the need of his three boys to have a father in their lives as his top priority. I suggested he contact another lawyer for second opinion on legal advice before taking any action, and to beware of false accusations if things turn nasty.

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