Are You My Father? The Family Court and other Experiments
by Greg Hallett, (2002), FatheringNewZealand Inc.
Order from the FatheringNZ.org website
by Rex
McCann, (1999), HarperCollins Publishers NZ
More on Rex and his work with men here.
Fathers who Dare, Win
by Ian Grant, (1999), Pa's
Publishing, Australia
More on Ian and his organisation Parenting with Confidence: www.parenting.org.nz
Divorced Dads
by Sanford Braver
The White Water Rafting Years - a common-sense guide to parenting teenagers
by Ian Grant and John Cowan,
(1999), Pa's Publishing, Australia.
More on Ian and his organisation Parenting with Confidence: www.parenting.org.nz
Children in Changing Families - Life After Parental Separation
by Jan Pryor and Bryan Rodgers, Blackwell (2001)
'Children in Changing Families' reviews recent demographic changes throughout the Western world, and outlines research into outcomes for children affected by parental separation and step family formation. While it will be of much use to researchers and students, the academic writing style will make it a hard slog for the general reader. The usefulness of this book is also greatly reduced by its reliance on a 1990s view of the world in which opposing positions are categorised as liberal (ie: feminist) vs conservative. This paradigm effectively excludes the emerging perspective held by many in the fathers' / men's movement, who will discover that they do not fit easily into either of these camps, as characterised by the authors.
More about this book here (including some brief excerpts).
Access and Other Post-Separation Issues: a qualitative study
By A.B Smith, N.J. Taylor, M.M. Gollop, J.M.D. Gaffney, M. Gold,. & M. Henaghan. (1997)
Parental separation may present a risk for children but harm is not inevitable. This qualitative research looked for factors which helped families and children adjust to parental separation. One factor which may be important for children's adjustment to separation is the continued relationship with their non-custodial (access) parent and this was a major focus of the study. The study looked at the family processes and arrangements from the perspectives of children and their parents. The perspectives of lawyers working in the area of family law were also examined. ISBN 0-9583595-3-9
Fathers After Divorce
by Michael
Green QC, (1998), Finch Publishing, Australia.
Website: www.fathersafterdivorce.com
The Divorce Culture, rethinking our commitments to marriage and family
by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. Hardcover by Knopf, (1997), softcover by Vintage (1998).
Tracing the history of shifting cultural attitudes toward divorce from the last century to today, Whitehead makes a strong case that the current radical concept of divorce as an opportunity for "personal growth" needs serious rethinking. Whereas previously society had strongly discouraged divorce because of the harmful effects on children, and as a bulwark of social stability, after the 1960s these sensible values had been abandoned in favour of a "psychotherapy" vision of divorce fuelled primarily by self-centred aspirations of women for fulfilment outside the home.
While acknowledging the validity of these aspirations for fulfilment, Whitehead concludes that we may have neglected the second half of the "for better, for worse" marriage vow, particularly where children are involved. Whitehead believes that society now needs to encourage marriage values of "solidarity, loyalty, and binding obligation", to balance free market concepts of planned disposability and political concepts of term limits. She endorses the advances of feminism for women in the workplace, but proposes that an alternate path to a more mature personal growth for both men and women may lie in a marriage concept incorporating traditional values of duty, responsibility, and sacrifice for the next generation.
Finding Time For Fatherhood: the important considerations men face when they become parents
by Bruce Linton, Ph.D. ISBN 0-9649441-0-3
A crisp, poignant, self-revealing and powerfully instructive book that will provide a great deal of previously unavailable support, guidance and inspiration to all us men who want to be good fathers' but have never known just how to think and talk about the role. Linton's essays are filled with wisdom, warmth and inspiration. They empower men to become more empathic fathers, husbands and friends. He tells a moving story of teaching his son's friends, a bunch of "macho" nine year old boys, that "real men" care for their friend's feelings. He does the very same for all of us in his wonderful collection of essays. He shows men (and women) how to care for feelings; their children's, their partner's and their own. The twenty essays in "Finding Time for Fatherhood" are personal and vulnerable. They express the important concerns men encounter when they become parents. Dr. Linton writes about his own feelings as a father as well as drawing from his experiences leading men's groups for dads.
As he writes in the forward: "This is not a how-to book. It is a book to stimulate your thinking about what it means to be a father and what value you place in your own life on being a father and a parent." A special feature of this book are the questions for self-reflection and discussion at the end of each chapter. Reading these essays and sharing them with your partner and other dads can help you deepen your personal experience of fatherhood.
The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle: a tour through the predatory world of judges, lawyers, psychologists, and social workers in the subculture of divorce
by Robert Seidenberg with the legal insights of William Dawes, Esq., distributed by Washington Law Publishing Company. ISBN: 0-9657062-0-6
This book is a self-help guide; but it is also a political manifesto. The author starts with the assertion that an abusive legal culture is the norm, and that the brutalisation of fathers in court is an everyday occurrence. It focuses, not on the written law, but on what actually happens in a divorce-custody conflict.
Women initiate the great majority of divorces. What's more, they start interviewing lawyers and planning their move months before they initiate action. A father typically doesn't have a clue of what's going on until the day he is served with a summons. A custody dispute typically begins with a legalised kidnapping. Since the goal is to establish oneself as the primary caretaker, lawyers advise women to take the children and leave; or to get a protective order evicting the husband from the house; or to talk him into moving out "for a trial separation." Thus the mother can establish herself as the sole caretaker, and secure sole custody at the temporary hearing. Most lawyers will not give this advice to men. But some do, and this strategy can work for men as well.
The great majority of domestic violence allegations and child sex abuse allegations made in custody litigation are false. They are made to gain advantage in custody, support, and property determinations. Perjury is standard in domestic relations court. So-called "Deadbeat Dads" are really "Refugee Dads" who have been driven out of their children's lives by the courts and bureaucracies.
In explaining how all this scandal could occur on a national basis without coming to public attention, Seidenberg enters the political realm. In brief well-documented essays, he shows how feminist ideology dominates public discourse to such a degree that few people even realise there is another side to these issues. The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle is a curious mix of practical advice and political commentary. It works because fathers in custody battle have arrived at a "turn in life where the personal and political coincide."
This book is a valuable resource for litigants and lawyers; it is also a worthy contribution to discussion in the areas of judicial culture and gender studies.
(This piece below assumes you, the father, have custody of your kids, but worth a try
any way?)
Co-existing With The Co-Parent
Co-exist with my ex-wife? Share responsibility of the children's well-being? Develop a
dialogue for discussing the children? Respect the rights and privacy of each other? Come
on, the last time I looked, there was no "X" in co-operate. So what can a father
do when there is so much anger and hate that neither parent can get along? I wish I could
develop a master plan for everyone to co-exist with his ex-wife, but that would be like my
prescribing a universal sexual position for mankind. The important thing to remember is
not to stop trying.
I do have a suggestion for fathers who have difficulty finding a way to start a successful
co-parenting arrangement. Try sending this letter to your ex-wife. Assuming that both
parents are adults who love their children enough to do what is right for them, this
letter is a peace treaty in the form of a contract and is designed to provide the first
step toward a peaceful relationship between hostile parents ...
Dear______________
Today I realized that our child(ren) is/are more important than we are, and it is time to
co-exist on their behalf. With the forwarding of this letter, I offer peace and ask that
we set aside our ill feelings and get along with each other. I know there is anger and
hate from past conflicts that may not heal for a long time, but if we do nothing to
overcome these feelings, our
children will suffer.
I'm not asking for forgiveness, nor am I giving any. I am not taking or giving blame. I am
simply asking that we wipe the slate clean and try to make tomorrow better - for the
children! Perhaps, in time we can work out our differences, but in the meantime, we must
not let them interfere with our being good parents.
You have my word. As of tomorrow my actions will reflect my love for my children, not my
hostility for you. I will work at improving our relationship and keeping the children
first and foremost in my life. I will
make every effort to follow the rules of successful co-parenting and ask you to do the
same. They are as follows:
- I will not blame you for a failed relationship or any other problem I/we
have had.
- I will not argue and fight with you in front of the children.
- I will not speak badly of you to the children.
- I will not use you as a sitter. I will not discuss court disputes or adult problems with
the children.
- I will not limit telephone access between you and the children.
- I will not use the children as spies.
- I will not send messages through the children.
- I will not make plans or arrangements directly with the children.
- I will not send money through the children.
- I will try to be on time and will call if I am late.
- I will send/return the children clean, fed, rested, and with clean clothes.
- I will be courteous and use words such as "thank you" and "please."
- I will talk and communicate about the children's actions, developmental stages,
adjustment, and well being.
- I will try to agree on basic rules such as bedtime, TV, diet, discipline, etc.
- If I slip and make a mistake, I will try again tomorrow.
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